There was a time where I could freely frolic in the great outdoors, and the only adverse reaction to the outdoors I endured was to poison ivy. As I matured into adolescence (I like to refer to these years as the “Dark Times”) I developed a severe reaction to pretty much anything that was outside of my bedroom (Sun Light, air, all plants, and their respective semen…social interaction.

Now in my early thirties, I can not spend a day at the pool, golfing, or pretty much ANY outdoor activity where the suns lethal rays may touch my transparent flesh. That is, without applying, and then reapplying an SPF 45 or greater. The sun pretty much ruined the majority of my honeymoon by searing my flesh nearly off.

Tree ejaculate seems to be my kryptonite, as the slightest sniff, harkens a scene from Total Recall. Any allergy meds I have tried thus far make me feel like a crazy person, well more so than I usually do. So I do the only thing I can when faced with mother natures money shot, beer.