Sit down and shut up. That’s right, shut your filthy mouth. I know exactly what you’re going to say. It’s people like you who give decent, hardworking games a bad name. “Yo! Noid” doesn’t deserve to be treated the way it has. It has suffered from constant ridicule and defamation for years; always being the brunt of jokes when discussing bad licensed games.

Here’s the thing; while “Yo! Noid” may star one of the most obnoxious mascots ever devised, there is actually a decent game to play here and I’m going to make you come to grips with that.

Let’s start by actually talking a little bit about the Noid himself (itself?).Yo! Noid Cover

I’m not sure how this character caught on. He’s looks like Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” if he grew into an angry, deranged murderer who donned his rabbit pajamas when he goes out for an evening of killing. Except, his iconic pink pajamas are now stained red with blood. The “N” on his chest? That stands for “Necrophage” because he consumes his victims. That’s why he hates pizza. He prefers the taste of flesh and is upset Dominos won’t provide that as a topping.

That’s right, I’ve just revealed what the Noid ACTUALLY is. You head may now explode if so inclined.

He is also made of clay while the rest of the world seems to be normal. Also, what kind of world do these people reside in? Look at this commercial. It looks like some sort of early nineties purgatory. Maybe humans are actually invading Noid’s clay world and he is pissed off about it. I don’t know. It was such a terrible ad-campaign and yet, it ran for years.

“Yo! Noid” wasn’t even the only game to come out starring the Noid. There was a game that was released a year before “Yo! Noid” on Commodore 64 and DOS called “Avoid the Noid”.

It was a simple game that actually had you playing as the pizza guy – which may actually be the ONLY game where you play as a pizza guy – delivering a pizza to the top floor of Doom Industries.

DOOM. INDUSTRIES.

The goal was to deliver your pizza in thirty minutes or less while avoiding the Noids, rockets, pitfalls, and bi-planes piloted by Noids who drop bombs on you.

Seriously, the pizza guy starring in “Avoid the Noid” is a champ, a god among men. He is constantly doing rolls and flips while holding a pizza and he does it all without ever ruining the hot circle of garbage that is Dominos Pizza. I know, for a fact; the pizza isn’t ruined because the end screen shows Dr. Claw partaking in a perfectly kept slice.

Whatever, it’s no wonder people hate “Yo! Noid”. The ugly son of a bitch on the cover alone is enough to turn anyone away. But how many of you haters have actually played the game? That’s right, who here has put that cartridge into their NES and actually played it?

Oh, some of you have?

Okay, now how many have actually FINISHED it? No one? That’s what I thought.

See, what most people don’t realize is that “Yo! Noid” is actually a completely different game that was reskinned and turned into “Yo! Noid”. A foolish decision by a crack team of soulless suits, no doubt.

“Hey, the kids like the Noid, right? Yeah, they LOVE the Noid! They also love video games! So, let’s take this ninja game from Japan and put the Noid in it! The kids will eat it up and we’ll be raking in the cash from all this pizza we’re going to sell.”

That’s exactly what was said. Probably.