I’d long debated whether to bother writing a review for “Time and Eternity”. I purchased it knowing it was going to be terrible, but hoped I could at least laugh at its stumbles. I thought that it would make for an amusing article where I would make all sorts of humorous and irreverent references, while bashing the game at the same time.

But, this isn’t a game ANYONE cares about, or even SHOULD care about. While the game certainly isn’t good – and no one should ever play it – it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was looking for the kind of bad that’s so catastrophic, you can only sit and laugh.

Instead, what I got was mostly just the plain variety of bad. The kind of bad you just forget about – which is the worst.

The protagonist in “Time and Eternity” is a knight named Zack, who’s engaged to a princess named Toki. Shit happens at their wedding, Zack protects Toki and gets stabbed, then Toki uses her ability to travel in time to prevent the attack. Once back in the past, Zack’s soul gets trapped inside of a tiny blue dragon.

Yup, time travel and soul transfers. That just happened.

It’s at this point when you realize that while the game’s protagonist is Zack – who will now be know as “Drake” the rest of the game – you actually play as Toki. Drake/Zack just flies around and offers mild support in battle. So, dialogue scenes play out and choices are made as if you’re Drake, but the gameplay is done through Toki.

Oh, and here is another fun twist. Toki’s body is actually inhabited by another soul! Her name is Towa and she has blonde hair and a penchant for knives. You switch between them.

It’s as if the developers (Imageepoch) threw every idea they had into this game’s story then executed it as poorly as they possibly could. Did anyone even bother running this by someone with any intelligence?

Alright, so the story is a mess, but maybe the characters are at least well crafted?

Who wants tea and strumpets?

Who wants tea and strumpets?

No, they’re as cliche as can be. Drake is a pervert and is constantly looking to score views of cleavage or panties, Toki is sweet, Towa is aggressive, and their friends have been there and done that. One is girly, one is snobby, one is clumsy, and one is greedy. These people are like the seven dwarves of anime tropes, only they aren’t short and beardy and don’t mine for diamonds.

But hold on, there is ONE character in the game that seems to be cool. His name is Ricardo, a wannabe assassin who bakes terrible cakes. A cakesassin? Badass!

Oh wait, no it isn’t. He’s just as terrible as the rest of the cast. Wasted potential.