It’s no secret that Tyler is squarely in the Sony camp of the Console Wars. He, for one, will welcome his new video game overlord as a launch day adopter. Here’s why this is new and exciting, but not without downsides… State of the User rolls on!

I’m buying a PlayStation 4 at launch!

That’s actually something I’ve never done. Being part of a console’s launch is something that has eluded me throughout my entire 27 years as a gamer. That is practically criminal.

I should have my membership card suspended, or something.

I am going to be one of the first adopters. I am going to be part of the “Early Elite”. I will be envied. I will be worshipped.

I’m thinking of leveraging my new status in society in exciting ways. It may be fun to strut around crowded retail outlets during the holiday season and strike up casual conversations with stressed-out gift-givers about my new toy.

Girlfriends trying to find their demanding beau the gift of tech. Mothers freaking out about trying to tick another box off their greedy brat’s X-Mas list. I will hint that I may be able to, “help them out…” and fulfill my own holiday wish list. Wink.

I’m not discriminating, though. I’ll happily manipulate those dads who just got divorced and are trying to win the affections of their estranged children. I will greedily extort those douchey chotches who attempt to get on my good side by calling me “Bro” and claiming their buddy’s uncle moved into Peter Frampton’s house, so we could go over there and party any time.

It will be like I’m part of the 1% of society, who has all of the money in the world but doesn’t actually pay for anything. Common folk LOVE to please rich people, because they assume some of their “richness” may eventually rub off. It doesn’t – rich people know better. I will too. My PS4 will be my “Brewster’s Millions”.

Except, that’s not how having a new console is, at all.

I am going to be a beta tester. I am going to probably end up buying a newer model down the line because the old one will either have issues or I will have used the original so much, that I will have destroyed its will to live. That is a real thing that has happened to consoles I’ve owned. I dislike planning and attending funerals for my consoles.

No women will engage in coitus with me because of my ability to ride the Hot Technology Train. No dudebros will offer companionship at their parent’s summer cottage.

I will not be the envy of anyone but the holed-up neckbeards that were too lazy to emerge from their lair to pre-order a system. The only people wanting to be me will be the kids who want to show off to their “friends” at school. “My parents love me more than yours and I’m going to have more people come to my birthday party than you!”

Yeah, kid! Throw that in their face, you future prick. Prove early in life that owning things amounts to an elevated status! While you’re at it, mention the fact that you have an above-ground pool in your backyard. Man, you can taste the jealously leaking out of their skin. It’s delicious, like that Ring Pop you’re wearing.