3:10 to Crispendale

I awoke when the train jostled a little too hard. What was I doing here, again?Animal Crossing logo

Oh, that’s right, I’m moving. Gonna try and strike out on my own and see what the world has to offer.

That is, assuming I even make it to my destination. This cat, this red-eyed cat is just glaring at me.

I look around but there is no one else on the train. It’s just Crazy Eyes over there.

Shit, he’s coming over. His plaid jumper is clinging tightly to his fur, and he’s not wearing any pants. Seriously fearing for myself right now.

“What’s your name?” he asks, unassumingly.

I don’t want to give him my real name, so I panic and make something up. “Uhh, Junpei,” I blurt out. Did I really just tell him that? I’m clearly not Japanese.

He starts in again. “Junpei… that’s a cool name!” Then he sits down in front me me. His furry crotch is just leering at me like an old pervert leers at women’s chests. Why is he pantless?!

“So, Junpei, what are you?”

I didn’t know how to answer the question, so I go as vague as possible, “A… boy?”

“Are you sure?”

What do you mean, “Are you sure?” Does he think I don’t know what I am? Does he WANT me to be something else? I’m really fucking creeped out right now.

“Yeah…”

“Ok! So, where are you headed, Junpei?”

Oh, geez, now he wants to know where I’m going? I can’t really hide this one, he is definitely going to figure out where I am once I get off at my stop. No way around it. “Crispendale,” I say.

Then he tells me that there, “Aren’t enough spaces.” Wait, what?! What does that even mean? What is he talking about? So, once again, I make something else up and say, “Crispy D,” which makes no sense.

“I’ve never heard of it.” Of course you dumb-dumb, that’s because it doesn’t exist. At least, I thought it didn’t exist. He started pulling out a map… which proved me wrong. “Oh, here it is! Looks like it’s the next stop,” he says, excitedly.

At that exact moment, the conductor announced that we were, in fact, arriving at Crispy D. It wasn’t where I was going, there were people expecting me in Crispendale, but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I was forced off the train and onto the platform.

Welcome Home (Veterinarium)

“WELCOME!”

Ahhhh! Why are all these animals sitting here, waiting for me?! How did they know I was coming? Am I being abducted? No, no no no, no no, no no no. This can’t be happening. It must have gone down while I was asleep. I was drugged and put on a different train. That has to be it. What am I going to do?

At that moment, a dog-like… thing in a skirt comes running up, calls me “Mr. Mayor”, then insists I go with her to Town Hall. I’m really not thinking I should go but I’m being stared down by an entire town full of furries. So, I decide to keep playing along. Maybe they’ve got me confused with someone else. Yeah, that’s it, I just look like someone they were expecting.

Once I get to Town Hall, away from the mob of furries, I’ll just explain that it’s all a big mix-up and… wait, they’re going to give me a house? I… suppose there could be perks to playing along. I mean, they do think I’m the Mayor and that has to come with a nice salary. How hard can it be to be the Mayor of a small town of crazy furries?

I snap out of my inner-monologue when my dog secretary tells me to go find a guy named Tom, and he’ll hook me up with my new home. Is it normal for “Stockholm Syndrome” to kick in this quickly? I’m kind of excited about this house. I mean, you know, free house.

Surreal Estate

So, after wandering a bit, I come across his office, “Nook’s Homes.” He looks like your standard realtor, snazzy gold jacket and everything… except he’s also dressed like a raccoon. Seriously, what portal did I get pulled through to end up here?

Fuck you, pay me!

Fuck you, pay me!

Anyways, we go on a tour through the town, looking for locations to build my house. I see there is a beach and I think, “Well, might be nice to get a free beach house,” but as soon as I try to go down there, Tom tells me he can’t build a house on sand.

OK, fine. I settle on a spot near a bend in the river, amongst some cherry trees, with a central location. He says my house will be ready in the morning, which is crazy because it’s like… 10 pm right now. How do you build a house that fast and in the middle of the night? He then sets up a tent for me and says to swing by his office later to get the bill.

Woah woah woah. Bill? I have to PAY for this house? Well, that snapped me out of my “Stockholm Syndrome” pretty fast. Now, come to think of it, dogretary never said anything about paying me either. How am I supposed to pay for this?!

My dogretary came back with an ID for me and tells me to enjoy the town. Yeah, because I’m going to enjoy running a town full of cult-like sex fetishists.